My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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