do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
