Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
