I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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