that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
