I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
