Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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