i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
