This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
