I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
