I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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