Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
