Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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