Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
