before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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