I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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