Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
