Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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