maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
