i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
