I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
