Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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