I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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