Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize