That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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