Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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