Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
