God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
