my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
