I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Pooping to opera.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
