saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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