I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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