I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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