I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
