Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
