I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
