i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
