Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
