Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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