think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
