She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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