Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
