My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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