Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
