Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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