No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
