i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
