I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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