My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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