God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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