I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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