it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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