This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
