guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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