Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
