I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
