She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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