Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
